okay, it has been like a fucking year and half since i have written on here. CRAZY it will be interesting if anyone will ever noticed i posted on here. but its that time in my life again that i need to start writing down my thoughts. so much has happened since i last wrote. garrett and i broke up and it absolutely tore my life apart. i went to counseling because i thought about killing myself. it was just really bad. i didnt know i could ever feel all those feelings. well this summer was really ridiculous. iwent from guy to guy to try and replace the void that was in my heart. they were all just temporary. andrew was ridiculous. even if i was in my best frame of mind, i couldnt have handled him. then dylan came around. okay i fucking stole him from morgan. but never was my intention once i found out morgan liked him. i totally backed away. but dylan came along and started it all. i know is i NEVER started it, but morgan will never believe me. but whatever i dont fucking care anymore. iwas seriously thinking about getting back together with him, but after his little stunt last weekend (stealing the car) i am so fucking done. i got involved with this boy jacob at college and that has turned to be a fucking disaster. so what did i do? i went after his good friend. just kinda like the dylan/garrett situation. just to hurt someone else right? as horrible as it sounds, it makes me feel better. like i really dont fucking care about anyone anymore. since i cant get what i really desire, is anything worth it anymore? god, all this fucking drama sucks. then garrett has decided that its time for him to come back into my life. and its not necesarily like lets be friends kinda getting back into my life. like he put his arms around me at a party and spent like 2 hours talking to me one on one and putting all his attention on me at the party. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT FROM ME? is this just another "game" to you? i have no idea what to feel about garrett. i mean shit i still love him and im having such a hard time opening my heart to other people. i mean my heart had never been broken or tainted. it was so ready for love. but now i have experianced it, i want more, but i am soo afraid to open it up just for it to be hurt again. i mean i just dont fucking care/any feelings for any boys. and when i hung with garrett, the other night, it was like the happiness i have been lacking for so long. i mean it felt different and weird being in his arms again. but talking to him without fighting, is just...wonderful. i mean i smile like i used to smile. and when im  truely happy, i listen to really lovesick/ sad music. and thats all i have been doing for the last week. i honestly cant do this. i cant think about garrett this way. i will only get hurt more. but when he tells me shit like "i miss you" and you were my best friend that i ever had. just absolutely kills me. cuz my heart tells me that "i miss you too, more than ever" but my head tells me to be smart and not get invovled. i mean what if this is all just a game huh? i am supposed to see him next weekend when i hang with kim at the blue scholars. but hes bringing chelsey and her friend. im afraid he will do something mean like give her all his attention or something. but then he asks if im going to a concert, then texts me while hes there and joking i say buy me something. and he actually fucking did. i mean he said he met some chick, yet he still texts me and calls me. wtf!!!! you are so fucking confusing. and then i found this song that describes our situation so well. and christina asks me if were getting back together. god i would love to scream yes!!! and it sounds like such a wonderful thought in my head, but god all the mean things he has done to me. god i am sooo torn. my head says dont give him the time of day, no attention, he missed out on the best thing of his life. yet my heart yearns for his. it yearns for the love that only he has provided for me. what we had, i dont know if i will ever have with someone else. it was just that special.

this is the song, that i swear to god describes my situation.

Your attitude's brand new, it seems that you're back into me again,
though I'm having trouble even standing here being your friend.
Am I just supposed to wipe clean all the messes of our past,
and forget the year I gave to you that you didn't let last?

You've done it, once again.
Foolishly, I've fallen.
Will there ever be peace for a romantic like me?
I'll wait by the phone and see.

The passion is still there but so are all the stupid little things,
we let get between us, along with all the heartache that they bring.
My pulse quickens as I touch you for the first time in so long,
and my heart's too married to my head to know if this is wrong.

You've done it, once again.
Foolishly, I've fallen.
Will there ever be peace for a romantic like me?
I'll wait by the phone and see.

Think out for hours each word that we say.
If I come back will you even stay?
Should I run with your amorous play,
or should I run away?

You've done it once again.
Foolishly, I've fallen,
Will there ever be hope for a girl like you with me?
I'll give up my heart to see

god. help me

come on baby blue

shake up your tired eyes

the world is waiting for you

may all your dreaming fill the empty sky

but if it makes you happy

keep on clapping

just remember i'll be by your side

and if you don't let go it's gonna pass you by

"Let there be love" by Oasis

so usually i dont do my really private thoughts on this xanga, those are usually reserved for the other one, but i dont care right now. so if you dont want to hear me bitch, then just skip this whole blog, i truely could care less. the last two months have had their good times and bad times. it seemed in april there were tons of bad times, but May turned around and went good, until now. prom went great, and who cares if the car got towed, yea it cost you alot of money but now its kinda funny that it happened during prom weekend. i dont understand why you pull your moods especially when i need you the most. i showed you a great example (when the car got towed and i was there to comfort you ) about how i put my problems aside for you when things arent good, but yet, when i simply just try to talk to you about whatever, especially today when you and sam were talking about OUR problems which obviously im not aware of since you havent voiced your opinion to me and you blow me off by talking to her about it than me, i will get pissed. i will pull an attitude because its about you and me. im not saying you give me 100% of your attention 100% of the time, but i hope that you can atleast when im talking to you when its about something that you were having a problem with. i cant stand it when you go into your quiet moods and refuse to talk. thats fine if you dont wanna talk or say whats on your mind right then, i respect that, but then i dont want to be on the phone forcing a convo for 40 minutes that is going absolutely no where. i dont want you to pull an attitude and pretend there is nothing wrong and only change the way you are until i threaten to leave. this is not how its suppposed to go. if we are meant to be together forever, we wouldnt "fight" or disagree or give each other so much heart ache as we do. yes couples disagree and fight, its only natural, but is it natural the way we do? it causes much heart ache on both sides. and dont get on my case if i decide to do something one day that i didnt tell you about, especially when its not a day we were supposed to hang out. im not suggesting we break up but something must be fixed, i refuse to go another month with disagreeing or wahtever you call it, like this. also im tired of parents getting involved in this because its me and you, no one else to an extent. the way our relationship goes should be determining factors of mine and your choices. we should never argue about each other's parents, but god thats not true. we each have our flaws and there is nothing either one of us can do to fix them. so just let them go. there are things i dont like about you that you do but i just suck it up and deal with them. you need to do the same, i can't be perfect for you, and you will never find someone who is exactly who you are looking for. there is always one flaw. i had a blast at prom and i am thankful that you took me. i love you with all my heart, and i couldnt bear to lose you, but if thats what it comes down to solve problems/issues and that we wouldnt do this anymore, then well i guess i will let fate take its path. i dont want to come over tomrrow if you are still in this mood. i will call you before i leave school to see how you are, but if  you are still this way, i am not comming over and it would probably be the best if we didnt hang out if you are still that way. i hope you arent.

i love you garrett

ok wow its been a super long time since the last time i posted. i mean jeez like october. wow well alot has happened but i dont wanna go into too much detail. im still at bubbles, i got in a car accident and i still havent gotten my car back from the shop. i have a boyfriend now, garrett, who i really care about, which is different for me, because i havent experianced this much feelings for someone before. like for the first time in my relationship with boys, when i say i love you, i believe i truely mean it. me and him have quite a bit in common but alot not in common as well, but we get along so well. im really happy about how things have turned out. i just hope this relationship can last for quite a while, cuz i hate like one week relationships. we have been going out for like almost two months now, the 10th of this month will be two months. thats a long time. finals ended last week thank god. but i guess the real reason im posting is to remind myself about kaitlyn. she is getting really bitchy lately and i know its not pmsing cuz yea her period was like a week ago. so its over and gone and done with. but like she thinks alot i feel that she is better than me. but honestly she isnt. if anything she is worse. not to make myself seem conceded but she honestly doesnt have any good morals or a good life. i have come to the conclusion that she is a very unhappy person right now. she thinks shes better than me by  "being friends or better friends with all these peoeple" than me, but so what? i am a happier person cuz i have good things going for me in my life that she doesnt have. i have a loving family that believes in physical affection throughtout my whole life. i dont think she has ever had that so she feels she must be very touchy feely with alot of guys. my dad was the same way, didnt get much physical stuff from home, but he is a very touchy feely kind of guy. also i have a boyfriend and she doesnt, but on top of that, i have a boyfriend who i care deeply for and he cares deeply for me (i hope lol) and she doesnt have that at all. and i know that bothers her. but it bothers me that i cant tell her stuff about me and garrett, cuz thats what best friends do, but i know she will get on the attacking side and put me or garrett down or whatnot and its fucking ridiculous to constantly defend myself when i know that i am happy and what she thinks about my life doesnt matter. god she makes me mad sometimes. and she thinks shes so special because rudy and micheal and ahmad and jason are kinda fighting about her well they really arent and she fucked up everything with them. and shes like oh i feel bad that i ruined everything, well actually kaitlyn no you dont, you are just saying that so it doesnt seem like you are a bad person and you get attention from them. and stop fucking lying about not liking rudy, if you didnt, then why do you talk to him like 6 times a day and are constantly talking about him and are with him? huh? explain that and i dont tell me you are just friends with him. and so what if hes still hung up about lisa, you can do both ya know? and you act like guys dont like you or whatnot and you are too big of a flirt for any guy and no guys do deserve you cuz you treat them like shit. honestly, you do deserve all this shit with all you last like 4 boyfriends. thats what you get when you cheat on someone. no not once or twice, but what was it kaitlyn? like 20 fucking times!!!!!! thats ridiculous, and if trent meant that much to you, you wouldnt have done it and made sure you saw him atleast 3 times a week since you cant be trusted for more. and if you wanna get back together with him or what not, you need to talk to him, like call him or show up at his house, so it makes it seem like you do care. and honestly trent wasnt the god you made him out to be, you know it and i know it so stop making it seem like he was. no guy wants to be your bf cuz they know your repuation thanks to you. you think that by "bragging" about how many times you cheated on a guy or even cheated once makes you sound good. nope it sends a lil red flag up in a guy's mind saying "DONT DATE HER, JUST FUCK HER AND LEAVE" thats whats it says kaitlyn.  you put yourself out to that, its only your fault.

ok so i went off on a whole kinda different tangent but my point is, she isnt a very happy person. and i am and thats all that matters. i have tons of good things in my life and she could too if she choose not to do alot of the stuff she does. and basically she tries to cover up how she is jealous of my happiness by saying she has tons of friends or she is better friends with other people aka usually guys than me. i dont fucking care if you are better friends with jason or rudy or whoever than what i am with them. i dont care if you go over there everyweekend with out me. i would rather be with garrett than hang out with them. sure its hella fun over there, but you go over there waaaaaay too much.

ok i think i have done enough ranting for a while. damn that was alot of stuff bottled up. sure there is still more, but that stuff is basically over and if i really need to write it ill write on my other xanga. well i feel better.